Tuesday, April 2, 2013

I'm not afraid...

She was young...
only 63.
and I miss her so.
(Me and my Mom)

Lately, even more so...
maybe because I find myself in uncharted waters agian...
raising teenagers and a lovley daughter as well...
I have guestions, I could use some motherly advice, or just a
hug and a "you can do it kiddo", in her sweet voice,
on the days when I feel like I am completely failing
100% at everthing.

Words can not describe the ache in my heart still.
It has been 7 years since my Mom passed.
I talk to her, I talk about her...
I tell my kids how she was an amazing dancer.
I tell them that she had the biggest heart,
that she loved writing.
I tell them stories, the ones I can remember anyway.
I tell them because I miss her, I tell them so they don't forget her.
We release balloons on her birthday,
this always makes me smile.
She would be  proud of them.
She would think they are kind and beautiful.
I think she would say I was doing a good job...
that I was a good Mama
to my 3 Wishes.
I know she sees how much I love them...

Oh How she loved them!!!

I think she would be proud that I am not afraid.
That her death does not define my life,
in that I don't live in fear.
Her death changed my life for certain though.
I miss her, I miss her laugh, I miss holding her hand.
I don't think I will get cancer...
in fact I am quite convinced I won't.
It's not a cocky thing...
It's just...
maybe a way to cope...
being positive.
I know that I
 want to live bravely for my kiddos,
for her!
 So many of my family have died of cancer...
It makes me sad and while it does not
define me in my identity, it defines in me
a purpose, a wish perhaps,
that cancer would be no more.
 unrealistic, yes I know...
But wishes come true
 so I wish
 new and better ways to prevent,
 treat and even a cure.

It is a good wish, yes?
  I miss her...
and it lingers on and always will.
Dance parties in the living room sound good tonight,
just like long ago in a brownstone in Brooklyn
when "Then Came You"
would begin to play
and like two children,
My Mom and Dad would begin to dance and
three little girls joined in
to twirl about.
My favorite memory of all.
No cancer,
 Just dancing and twirling.


jenshank said...

I'm always so proud of you sis I for sure know your Mom is always praising you!!

Grace Inman said...

I am sorry for your loss. Cancer is an awful disease and it takes the lives of so many people each year. My cousin is battling stage 4 esophageal cancer and it is such a scary time. All we can do is pray and hope that one day there is a cure.

alicia said...

I miss ma too. Never doubt that she would be so proud of u. U are an amazing woman and mother. It's funny, I have never missed het so much then the past 8 months when I was pregnant, lost a baby and had a hysterectomy. I site could have used her then. To comfort me, to say it would all be ok. But in the end it was all ok. Even though she wasn't here. Doesn't make me miss her any less. Be thankful mom was here for as long as she was.


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