Thursday, December 8, 2011

Random heart thoughts

Right now my heart is full...full of love, full of sadness, full of willingness to create and connect with others.   I feel as if for the last few weeks I have been walking around in a fog. When your child is sick, it takes over every area of your life.  Ethan being sick the last few weeks has really made me appreciate how healthy my family has been and how blessed we are. I am so grateful that Nathan is home with us, I probably would have fallen apart. 
 As we celebrate the 6 week birthday of our puppy Marshmellow, my Sister and her family are mourning the loss of their beloved dog, Babar.  My heart has ached for them this week.  I wish I could say or do something to bring comfort to them.   
Their loss has started me thinking about something I have not written about yet...for fear that Madi and Cam would find out, but they don't read every blog I write so.. 6 weeks ago our beautiful little
Cocoa actually had three puppies not just one.  We were away from the house and  when we returned home, Ethan and I had found two puppies not breathing and one puppy laying next to Cocoa.  Cocoa had the other two puppies in her bed. They were clean and placed so lovingly it seemed.  Ethan helped me take care of everything.  We called Nathan to tell him the news and we agreed that we would not tell Madison and Cameron about the two puppies that had died.  We knew they would not handle it well and Nate wasn't home yet and we thought it would be best.  Ethan was so brave and so helpful and when we finished cleaning everything he went upstairs and had a good cry while I wept in the laundry room. I felt so bad for not having been home to help Cocoa.  Then I just held Cocoa and told her how sorry I was... I felt so bad that I was not home to help her and I told her that I would take care of those two little puppies.  I felt like she just knew what was happening but didn't want to believe that she had lost her babies. Cocoa kept going over to the puppies and checking on them...almost waiting for them to take a breath.  It never happened.  We told Cam and Madi that Cocoa had one puppy and that they would get to keep her...Then we named her.
We never know what others are going through and sometimes we fail to see how truly blessed we are.  I think it is easy sometimes to lose sight of all we have, especially when our focus is on something we don't have.  We, out of fear, sometimes hold ourselves back from gifts or opportunities. For instance,  I am fearful, I am fearful to take the leap and shoot people...with my camera that is.  My head plays all these games with me. You know the game where your head says, "you are not good enough to do that". Ugh...I hate that. 
 I believe that God wants to fulfill the desires of my heart, I also believe that I hold myself back. My heart is full, full of love for my family, my friends, for strangers who, like me, feel fearful at times. 

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